Some Bluntness Before 2012.

Stanford University

It seems to me that saying what's on our minds has become the norm. (So here's a little taste of my mind...) Showing parts of our body is not shameful. "Statuses" express things that we wouldn't normally say. Pictures posted show a side that is unexpected. Behind the lens, in the virtual reality of FB, instagram, blogs, twitter, or whatever else fills up our time, we may be different people. Then again maybe these things 'filter' us and they post us as people we desire to be, but don't have the 'cohones' to really be. I know I need to filter-but today the blog is not for that.

I'm truly tired of it. This post is a venting rant. You have been forewarned. (not in any particular order)

 1. I'm tired of doing the same thing over and over again.

2. I want to live without worrying about money.

3. I want people (especially women) to really consider what pictures they post. Men are horny.

4. I want to be spontaneous, but often am limited to, maybe $ has to do with it.

5. I really want to be in a house, so I can have people over all the time.

6. I don't want to worry if people like me, or they 'have to' because I'm their pastor.

7. I want to have everyone over for New Year's that I love and care about (the 1075 friends on FB...hehe)

8. I truly want to see a godly revival happen. I look out every Sunday into a congregation for the past 5 years and hope that Christ is moving in their hearts...then get disappointed, because I rarely see people "REACTING TO GOD'S AMAZINGNESS!" Maybe I'm the hindrance.

9. I feel like we do what we do because that's the way it is, I'm tired of that answer and that way.

10. I want to truly be creative on my day off. It boils to a frustration rant like this.

11. I'm tired of blending in with the crowd...time to leave an imprint on the world.

12. I will be sad if my purpose in God's plan is just to be a mediocre pastor. (Then again, what constitutes a great pastor?)

(As the venting is happening, I'm noticing that some of these have to do with money...I'm about to puke.)

13. I want a darkroom or a place for a design studio. Then again, my life for the past 8 yrs hasn't reflected any design...so I'm all talk?

14. I want to win a photo contest (pride talking). Once someone told me that my scenery pics weren't that great, that I should stick to taking pics of people. It's funny how the negative criticism is always remembered.

15. I want to travel (again selfishness...but hey it's ok in a world that selfishness is celebrated.)

16. I'm on 5 Armenian Evangelical Boards, seriously, what's wrong with me? Nothing ever gets done, why do I put myself through these tortures?

17. I'm scared of what kind of person I would be if I was filthy rich. A bit ironic considering what I've written.

18. I've always been curious what if I took the "red pill" and never went to seminary?

19. I wonder what will be shared at my funeral.

20. I don't want to be critical about anything.

21. I've noticed people really don't care anymore about anything. Funny thing is then why would they care about this blog.

If you read this, I truly mean it: I hope 2012 is great for you. Then again you will hear, read, see it over and over again for the next week, so what makes my hope for you so special?

FEAST Your Eyes on This!

 

The Parable of the Wedding Feast (Matthew 22)

And again Jesus spoke to them in parables, saying,"The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a wedding feast for his son, and sent his servants to call those who were invited to the wedding feast, but they would not come. Again he sent other servants, saying, 'Tell those who are invited, See, I have prepared my dinner, my oxen and my fat calves have been slaughtered, and everything is ready. Come to the wedding feast.' But they paid no attention and went off, one to his farm, another to his business, while the rest seized his servants, treated them shamefully, and killed them. The king was angry, and he sent his troops and destroyed those murderers and burned their city. Then he said to his servants, 'The wedding feast is ready, but those invited were not worthy. Go therefore to the main roads and invite to the wedding feast as many as you find.' And those servants went out into the roads and gathered all whom they found, both bad and good. So the wedding hall was filled with guests.

"But when the king came in to look at the guests, he saw there a man who had no wedding garment. And he said to him, 'Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding garment?' And he was speechless. Then the king said to the attendants, 'Bind him hand and foot and cast him into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' For many are called, but few are chosen."

Wow. I'm not wowing at the beginning. That's understandable. I'm shocked at the end about the man who came in without a wedding garment. My first thought is, what if that's all he had? Where's God's mercy in that? Maybe he was one of the bad people. But you have to reread the parable and look at the end of the 1st paragraph..."both bad and good," came. It's taking me a while to process this. Even after this post I will continue to process it. This parable caught my attention and absolutely scares me to death. 

God's throwing a wedding feast. A FEAST. Maybe similar to today's "feasts" (OK that could be a big stretch.) The best of the best is prepared for us by GOD--yet we often respond by not coming. Our 'businesses' are too important to leave them and go to this FEAST. He sent other servants to remind them to come...nah, my farm or business is more important! Apparently we need days like 'Thanksgiving' to remind us of what God has done on the cross (can you pick up on my sarcasm?). How many of us will forget what God did tomorrow AM or even as we make room for the pumpkin pie coming down to an already stuffed stomach? At what point do you keep asking someone to come to something if they clearly don't want to come? I'm shocked because there's a time where mercy will not be offered anymore. Do people know that God's FEAST will be no more at sometime or are they truly ignorant? (that's not bad...it just needs more of those who are aware, to say something.)

I'm also sad for the man who came in without any wedding garments. Maybe the man has the means to put on wedding garments, but doesn't. I don't know. My comments here are premature and without any study or prayer through it. But I'm sad for the guy. I'm also sad to the many who know what kind of FEAST God will provide, yet come half-heart-ed. Or don't want to come, period. I'm sad for people like me who have an idea to have complete strangers in his home for Thanksgiving, yet doesn't. Yup, I'm a coward. I'm sad for the people who will be in the outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 

"Erasing Hell," by Francis Chan might help, a little. "God has the right to do WHATEVER He pleases (Psalm 115:3). If I've learned one thing from studying hell, it's the last line. And whether or not you end up agreeing with everything I say about hell, you must agree with Psalm 115:3. Because at the end of the day, our feelings and wants and heartaches and desires are not ultimate--only God is ultimate. God tells us plainly that His ways and thoughts are infinitely higher than ours (Isaiah 55:9). Expect then, that Scripture will say things that don't agree with your natural way of thinking."

Today I'll toast to God's mercy.

 

Numbers that discipline.

Don't I look good in this picture? That was 6 yrs ago. I don't remember how much I weighed, but right now I'm 192 lbs. Today I did 162 pushups and 349 situps. Aren't you happy for me? Yeah I know, the pride's coming off too strong. But this is what working out does. It develops, "I look good syndrome." It's the part I truly hate about working out.

Day 1 has started again. Tony Horton how I have missed and hate you at the same time. So this will be the 4th time I will have started p90x. The first two got interrupted with moving, vacations, and too many distractions. The 3rd time, I got to day 76 (inconsistently, but still got there), but hurt the shoulder and stopped. So today marked day 1. This time I might concentrate more on Cardio (getting really insane by doing a mix of p90 and Insanity) and actually eating right. These workouts are annoying and great at the same time. Annoying because of the obvious strain it puts on the body, great because the discipline pays off. I dropped from 208 to 192 and looking to hit 180. (I may have already lost your interest in this post, then again aren't these things for personal satisfactions? Keep reading it's not all about muscles:-)) Don't know if it's possible of hitting 180, but at this point it's such a great motivation to be able to put some old pants on because they fit. Or the fact that I have to buy a new belt.

Going back to this idea of discipline, it reminded me of something. Obviously no one likes it. We fear it. It hurts. At the end of the day we might be slightly open to it, because we know that it will transform us. Discipline is needed, but it's usually from someone else. Horton keeps me in check virtually ("make sure you don't run off and get a crispy kreme doughnut.") Discipline is tied to accountability. I can rationalize my actions and do a lot because he's not around to keep me in check.

It's ironic but it's the same with God. Yeah, it's ok, I can slip this one time, get tempted, commit the sin, "oh the satisfaction." Who's keeping me in check? I hadn't had soda for 70 plus days, the minute I stopped working out, I've gone on a soda drinking binge. NOT GOOD. Who kept me in check? (we think we can hide from God...haha.) Well, at the end of the day what am I saying? As Tony would say, "keep pressing play." Nah. Everybody who read this should be working out. You already know that. If you take your faith in Christ seriously, then you would be willing to invite serious discipline and accountability on living for God. Yup. Humility and a willing heart to be transformed by God. These are reps that last beyond infinity.

To care or not care?

How does a Pastor have a day off? In my mind I wrestle with the idea if a Pastor has a day off then does that mean he stops caring, sharing God's word, loving, or being a shepherd to his people? So does that mean I completely remove myself from the loneliness, pain, suffering of the people and tend to my personal desires? Oh to be fishing now, rather than sitting in my apartment. What's to say I couldn't have planned it, completely detach and tend to my selfish desires, my own happiness. I can't understand it, therefore I write in frustration of how does a Pastor get a day off? I get it, we should, there's a lot of stuff we deal with that people may not grasp, but in my mind/heart I feel like I'm neglecting.

There's always work to be done in any position/occupation. We can always work and be productive. So I guess on the day off, I should be productive in things for the apartment, personal production? Would it then be mean if someone calls and not pick up the phone because it's my day off, "your trouble, not my problem today. Call me tomorrow, then you can have my ear and heart." Of course it's not like that, but where does one draw the line? Also how does a Pastor completely shut off the things on his mind that need to be done the next day or like the following study? I wonder what the Early Church Apostles did?

I think the day off then has to be a complete removal from society, go to a place where no one can find you, get involved in something that has no connection to God-really?

Separate my Pastor role from my personal life, hobbies, fun things to do side is nearly impossible, if not impossible. My role as a Pastor involves people. I thrive on the energy with people. I love to fish, but with people. I love to take pictures but enjoy it more while taking pictures of people (getting a shot of them that makes one say wow or see a side of them rarely captured.) Oddly, yes I enjoy being with people.

Maybe at the end of all this, it's to be refreshed and re-energized, ready to attend to the daily rote of being a Pastor. Figuring this out will take some time, maybe this question of what days to care or not is on the forefront of my mind because of the opening section in 2 Corinthians. Where does one draw the line to care for someone, to comfort them? Is there a boundary? For now I can't see a parameter, then again it's my day off, I shouldn't care about this. Sin talking there. Here's an attempt to attend to personal things: time for a car wash. Blah.

Devil's Bathtub

Camping? I've gone several times. I can boast that I've camped on the island of Arran, off the coast of Glasgow, Scotland. But that place had some running water. Camping without running water? The idea intrigued me. More than the idea, the challenge was what interested me. To go without technology, without running water, to be "roughing it," to not be interrupted by TV, Facebook, Blog, to not be interrupted by the phone which reminds you of Facebook, apps, games to play, music, and to disappear above 7,000 ft amongst these skyscrapers of trees, these bright lights shining down at night which they call stars, and to be engulfed by the smell of pine and fresh air that pierces your lungs like you've never inhaled this quality before--yeah I'm in. All was left was to actually go out, hunt and eat our kill for the night. Yup well in a way we did that, I guess you can say we provided the fish, however I left too early to taste the little lake dwellers.

Camping? The idea to me is foreign, having grown up near or in a metropolitan city my whole entire life. Ask me to give you a 2 hr night time tour of NYC and you will be in awe of how much you can see in those quick 120 mins topped off with a sandwich from Mamoun's, only the best schawerma sandwich place in the states. Leaving the city life and being dropped in the middle of this massive forest, I've come to see a side of myself that I thought never really existed.

I wish I could take pictures of every inch of this serene place. I think the best was to prepare to go from 7500 ft to 9300 ft--our hike to Devil's Bathtub. It was 4.5 miles one way with the weight of about 12 lbs in my pack, the kamikaze style mosquitoes, and through a trail of giant trees. But as soon as we got over the incline that made your lungs feel like they were stretching to get air in, it was like this "bathtub" was ready to receive guests for the very first time. The picture above does not grasp this amazing place at that elevation. A bit of an ironic name for this place.

I think camping was topped off with the adrenaline rush of jumping 20 ft from a cliff into the unknown waters of Ward Lake. So overall, this nomad enjoyed lying under stars, talking with others about God, eating beans out of a can, tri-tip steak sandwiches, camping, climbing, fishing, hiking, jumping off a cliff, and above all being separated from the distractions of media. Jumping off the cliff initiated and sealed a desire to remain amongst those giants, lights, and climbing at elevations that stretched the lungs to breath.

Sea level to 7,000 ft.

Everywhere I turn it's nature.

I have never been in a city where I'm constantly surrounded by the country. I've come to appreciate and starting to fall in love with this country. I grew up near cities, so being in nature is a new experience for me. On the East Coast, I would go to camp for a week or so, drive through the scenic views of the Catskills in New York, but not like this where I'm engulfed by cows, orchards, mountains, parks, sequoia trees the size of mountains themselves, fishing for trout, camping, and even camping stores.
This past week I went to Frazier Park for camp on the West Coast. I was in AWE of the stars. I know they exist, but they overwhelmed me. They lit the sky, especially with the Milky Way and the shooting stars. I felt like "I can reach for the stars," as cliche as that sounds. I fell in more love with my Creator who was and is able to create such a work of art. Then I saw several satellites and saw the clash between our creation trying to look like God's creation. One can never compare skyscrapers to mountains.

I had the chance to go fishing a couple of weeks ago. I really enjoy fishing. I couldn't stop looking around. I had never seen trees like this. I just wanted to take pictures. Fishing needed to wait, because I wanted my eyes to soak in every detail. It's impossible. I left shortchanged. But knowing that this is what is in my backyard, I feel like I'm moving from appreciating skyscrapers to God's "skyscrapers."

Maybe this is why I keep feeling like I'm on vacation. In the past, on vacation I would leave the city and experience creation. Rhode Island has some beautiful beaches and the ocean roars. I took it for granted and didn't really experience it. Not going to let that happen here. Although there are no oceans, but the lakes are plentiful, and the mountains offer a view from 7,000 ft. The question remains, fishing pole or camera? Tough call.

reality check.

Tamar and I have been living out of boxes and in transition for the passed several months. This truck came to RI in the middle of May. And it delivered our stuff here in Fresno, some broken stuff. Hopefully, they will be 'nice' during the claims process, which I highly doubt. It didn't really sink that we moved across the country, until I started my first official day. And it still might not feel 100% at the apartment, because we see brown boxes everywhere.

It's a bit odd because we've always travelled to California and back, but now there's no going back to wherever back was-RI, NJ, MA. Part of me feels like it's a vacation, however with starting work yesterday, I think it's really feeling real. Yesterday at the men's bible study, someone suggested in going through the book of Jeremiah. I questioned, why? Seriously? We could possibly be in this book for like 5 years if we do Jeremiah. I had a 'reality check' because soon enough I will be responsible to make decisions regarding the next study, etc. Wow.

I started reading from Jeremiah (just to get an idea if this is something to consider) and just in the first 3 chapters, Israel and Judah oddly enough need a reality check. "They followed worthless idols and became worthless themselves." Wow. Ouch. They'd better check themselves before they wreck themselves, which ends up happening.

(while writing this...) Someone called from RI to give me some news about someone passing away. A sudden heart attack, and the person said, "God wanted him." When it comes to facing life, who's in control of it, especially what comes after-definitely a reality check.

DMV

I'm sure as you saw the title of this post you can suspect that this post is an unpleasant one. I had expectations that going to the DMV was going to be an easy thing. Why wouldn't the government create a system that would be easy for all of us? Ha. Everything was going easy, filling papers out (4 different forms) driver's licenses, 2 cars to register. Ok, this is going to be easy. The first bump of frustration, "um, sir is this birth certificate yours?" "Yes." "Is this a copy or an original?" (I should have said original.) I think she got scared, she saw Arabic, French, English writings all over it, with other Arabic writings. Maybe the security should put me through a metal detector. "Sir, I need an original." (Thought in head: yeah well let me call the Saudi Monarch and have him issue me an original one, thanks.) "Sir, do you have a passport?" "Yes. Bring that in?" "Yes, sir." (Thought in head: why did you tell me to bring my birth certificate in?) Tamar gets her driver's license because she was born in the great state of CA. So then we waited, while Tamar gets her driver's license, me not allowed with my passport. Interestingly, our marriage certificate is there as evidence-our Social Security number is on the application. But nope I need my passport. Ok, fine.

This was the kicker. I'm registering the cars, the cars were officially delivered on June 2. Today is June 30. I'm passed the 20 days rule in registering the cars in CA, now I have to pay penalties. So I asked the lady (another lady processing applications), "I could have lied and told you the cars came June 15 and it would have been fine, without the penalties?" "Yes, sir." "So, let me get this straight if I had written on this application June 15, than 2nd, it wouldn't have cost me $400 for my car and $229 for my wife's car?" "Yes, sir." (thought in head: wow, that's a great system we have). The picture above is what I wanted to do. Cars have to be checked for smog and I have to return to show the smog certificate--let's hope these cars have no issues.

They gave me the California Driver Handbook before this whole process began. A little too late now. The picture above is what I wanted to do. I think this time when I return to go through another painful process of getting my license done, I will show up with my Saudi scarf on. The picture above is what I wanted to do. Ok, now I feel better.

Lord, this ain't easy living truthful in a world where people get away with all kinds of lies. Now I can concentrate on getting some real Kingdom work done. Thanks for reading. The picture above is what I wanted to do, but I didn't. Or else you have heard about it in the news, some bald Armenian Pastor gunning down DMV people because of penalties.

271,560 hrs.

I figured this picture would capture your attention.

Now on to more serious matters. I can't help, but I feel bad for Job, and his dialogue with his friends make me wonder. This question cut deep: "How many wrongs and sins have I committed? Show me my offense and my sin." In the context he wants to know why God has brought all these troubles on him. So his plea was to know what his wrongs were to understand why. But the question got me thinking. What if I asked to see my offenses, my sins? Oh gosh, I don't think I would be able to withstand just one day. And here I go through every day like it's nothing. The thoughts are "oh yeah, I was good today!" I bet God chuckled at that. I can just imagine in my 271,560 hrs of life, the list of sins I've committed. Wow. Stomach is churning and turning with disgust just trying to write this post. I couldn't even get passed reading and understanding the rest of chapter, those questions just gutted me.

Yes, I know what grace and the cross have done for me. I shouldn't have any guilt from what has happened, because my gracious, gracious, gracious, gracious, gracious Lord covered it. Yup, I should be fine if what happened to Job happens to me. 271,000 hrs is a long time. Granted some of that is sleeping, some of those hours I had no idea what I was doing. It amazes me how God's word cuts deep. It amazes how I go through my day never thinking twice about my sins. "Pshhhh, my Lord forgave me already."

You wouldn't think that that cute kid above could be possible of being dishonoring, disrespectful, and deceitful. Lord, the word thanks does not suffice.

I want to be like Job.

Job in the Bible is complicated. I would venture to say it's as complicated as Revelation. It's a frustrating book to read through. Obviously your heart goes out to Job. God is portrayed as the "god who just stands on the sideline" and lets evil go to work. Just reading the first two chapters I'm sitting on Job's sidelines and cheering for him: "You can do this!" Ironic, because the first minute trouble comes my way, where's the easiest way out? I only read through chapter 5 and it sucks. I've read it in the past, however it's amazing when you read God's word, and then read it several months or maybe year later how much more is revealed. We feel bad for Job. While reading I'm not happy at God. Then again the author of life, creator of this universe has every right to do what He wants, what's my happiness at Him have anything to do with it? Who am I to question God for his motives? Maybe Job's rubbing off.

Eliphaz says something interesting in chapter 4 about the wicked. My concern is not about the wicked, but what God can do: "at the breath of God they [wicked] are destroyed; at the blast of His anger they perish. The lions may roar and growl, yet the teeth of the great lions are broken. " Related to yesterday's post, it's amazing to read what God can actually do with a single breath. Wow. His holiness is not just this amazing, loving, gracious God, but the God with a single breath can declare me dust. We rarely talk about God in this manner. Too frightening, too fundamental, not what society wants from Him. "We want love and peace, man!" It seems to me, we're heading into a direction where our views/demands of God is the way we want God to be like. Period. If I don't get my desired goal/thing/prayer request, God is then something of a jeenie in a lamp, that we tell him to go away. Then pick Him up, rub the side of piety to get Him to appear again. I may groan and tremble like Job while reading these next 42 chapters, but imagine what I may come to know.

Photo: Job's face, woodcut by Sevak Karabachian.

To be holy or not to be? That is the question.

Dictionary defines holiness as the state of being holy. Usually given to one that is a Pope or a Patriarch. Interesting. This is the word that's on my mind for the passed three weeks. I need the ability to see the amount of work something will entail before I volunteer to do it. Too late for that now. The Holiness of God: playing with fire is Camp Arev's theme this year. It may seem very simple to talk about. Holiness of God is what makes God God. Interesting, because you know if I was asked to describe God, holy wouldn't have been my first word. Or let alone in high school, I wasn't thinking about God's holiness, and why should I care about it? All I was thinking about was the girl across the room or making sure the girls would see my great skills in soccer or dancing.

So the task of thinking like a high schooler and building a bridge to the holiness of God is a task that can only get done with prayer. Amazingly thinking about this topic more, I can see why the camp committee has chosen such a topic. Because going back to my initial thought of who God is, I would have said gracious. But that's exactly the point with holiness, usually we think we deserve the grace provided at the cross. We don't normally think about what we've done to undeservedly receive that grace. "Yeah, it's free get some forgiveness here!" We just want to be forgiven, forgetting what God is capable of doing to us, if we never repent and ask to be forgiven. But God being a just and loving God, has to get some justice done for the sins we've done and is still loving enough to provide that salvation. If God is perfect and just, then He has to punish us for sin. The question is do we realize that we've sinned?

The picture above is from my ordination. It's funny because at that stage in life, four years this September, I thought I knew everything. Some people in the Armenian community would bow before me, or look for a ring to kiss. A holy man because of some robe, how easy it is to be considered holy.

Questions to ponder as I prepare for these talks:

What makes something holy?

Why should a high schooler care about God's holiness?

Why should I care for that matter?

Off the top of my head, I think the camp committee really wants to install a fear/reverence into the next generation of viewing God as holy. Because we rarely look at God as, "if I don't follow what He says, then I'm burned." We naturally hope and know that if I don't follow what God says, I'll just ask for forgiveness later, and we'll be all squared away. Uzzah wasn't thinking that and look what happened to him.

jump this.

Day 2 of p90x is pylometrics, otherwise jump training. Yup, an hour of jumping and doing squats. Not pleasant. Anything right now to distract me from doing that would be great. Or anything to distract me from prep work as I start at FAPC in July=)

I've occasionally thought of several things I want to do before I "kick the bucket." And I've written about them in the past. As I looked over my list, they're not tangible, because let's be honest I need a lot of money to do some of those things. Tamar and I have been thinking about buying a house, which causes that bucket list to get smaller and smaller. The money spent on going to a World Cup, could be used to buy a new fridge, washer, dryer, and a new TV. A week spent in Tahiti is one fourth of a down payment for a house. What are some things that I want to do, which do NOT require a lot of money? Some goals that are more feasible to achieve. Here's an updated list (not in any order):

learn to restore a classic car (doesn't have to be mine)

learn to play the guitar

fish on a regular basis

go hunting

do some regular hiking (being a city person for so many years, this one will be interesting)

sketch/create some furniture

write a book (after Tamar writes hers:-)

drive up the PCH from Los Angeles to Seattle (for the sole purpose of taking pics)

selling some of my photos for ministry purposes

being part of God's kingdom work everyday

reading 3 books a month

Let's see if the discipline of p90x will help accomplish some of these goals. I guess its time to get jumping.

210 lbs.

June 20 marks the first day of hell beginning again. This will be the 3rd time I would have started p90x. First two times, I got to the 5th and 4th week, but with moving and not being somewhere consistently, it broke up my routine. The problem with my metabolism is when I start working out I will consume double the amount of food. But I'm glad there are a couple of guys starting today as well. Costco trip scheduled for later to help with the lifestyle change in food intake. Hardest will be to cut the sweet stuff out. Chocolate, how I love thee!

I need to do this. I hate sitting and the stomach rolls over the belt. Let's not even talk about the double chin. One of the reasons why I love looking through the lens, rather than being photographed. (yeah, very self-conscious) I think this will help with discipline, which will affect all aspects of my life: discipline in reading God's word and praying, discipline in blogging, discipline in reading books, discipline in time management, discipline in eating right, etc.

So here's one small step from 210 and aiming for 185. I can't stand Tony, the guy who's like 46 in the DVDs and has arms, legs, and abs like he's been doing it for 46 yrs. (Thanks Gyorgi and Raz! Let's do this!)

Bring it!

Endurance.

I often get nostalgic. Parents coming in July is not going to help. Not that I don't want them to visit. It will be tough. We're trying to adjust here, and as my parents come, all our memories of being in Jersey, etc will be at the forefront of my mind. If I don't cry, laugh, it may seem like I'm being insensitive. But I'm trying to adjust here. Pictures on the computer don't help. Every time the background of the desktop changes, or I scroll through some pictures; the worse is when I receive texts with pictures of my niece and nephew in soccer jerseys of my favorite team. The worse is hearing Mom constantly crying on the phone.

Being a man (strong and expressing no emotion), having moved several times, I thought this would be easy. Yup, time to accept the reality that I'm 3,000 miles away from the people that I've known the longest. (Adele's album of heartache and beautiful voice is not helping this nostalgia now. Seriously isn't there anything else to sing about?)

I think not being in a regularly routine is not helping. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks that will change. Till then 2 Corinthians will help (not that I'm suffering like any of the people or the Apostle Paul did during the Early Church times): "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." Yup today looking forward to the end result of patient endurance. I'll take that through these tears.

Filter

Recently, someone asked me about this picture. It reminded me of my art history class, when our professor forced us to remember everything there was about each slide during the lecture. Balzac was a French author who lived during Auguste Rodin's time. Rodin most famously known for "the Thinker." Today I feel a little like Balzac. Looking off into the distance and thinking. What we will never know. But staring at the picture long enough, I started to do the same. Maybe I should have found a picture of the Thinker. Then again, that pose almost seems too forced for the act of thinking.

It's pretty quite this morning. I've always been a journal guy. Read some Scripture and then turn some of my horrible English grammar into scribbles on paper. I'm sensing more and more what if instead of wasting trees, I wasted pixel space and turned my honest thoughts, questions, confessions onto this blog? Would it be too much? When we're around people, Tam thinks I should filter more. This medium wouldn't have any. Would it be too much for people (3 followers...lol) to read what really goes on in the head of a man? Should Pastors filter? We're human too and um, yeah I'm pretty sure we commit sins everyday. But I guess we lose some respect or see the "leader" in a different light when we hear of this sin and that sin. Really?

It seems to me, society is becoming more acceptable of the "right" to speak or share our minds. It can be without tact, it can be sugar coated, or "it's all said in love man!" This filter is pretty clogged up with gunk that needs cleaning every day. No wonder the journal is "for my eyes only." What good will a box of journals do? Unless I become some famous person and they want to know more about me, all those journals will just be beneficial to start a great fire. Maybe it's time to daily waste pixel space. Who knows someone on this vast world wide web may be challenged to look off into the distance after reading such a grammatical nightmare, and may recognize that it's time for a filter change.

the road most travelled.

I don't know where this will end. Then again, isn't life like that?

I'm in one of those "thinking" moods. I just bought the soundtrack to Tron and the digital frontier of the unknown has inspired me to ponder on the next phase of my journey. A lot has happened since I was last on here. As of the end of May, we're going to be moving to Fresno. I've moved 14 times, and Fresno will be 15. Having lived in Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, New Jersey, Philadelphia, North of Boston, Pasadena, Rhode Island, and now onto Fresno, I don't know if I can rank them in preference, but each of these phases of the journey have shaped me to the person I am now. Wow that was cheesy. But it's true. I know each of these locations have their stories, characters, pleasantries, and the not so pleasant memories.

Saudi and Lebanon taught me about living in countries where "you don't always get what you want." Lebanon was harder, there was the occasional bullet to dodge. Arriving on the shores of Pasadena then onto Jersey, I tried desperately to blend in, but I had "fresh off the boat" written all over me, especially when I was failing English Grammar in 7th grade. Maybe it was the purple shorts, dress shoe loafers, with white socks raised high, and the Devils (I didn't even know what hockey was) t-shirt that gave it away. That was the last time I let my Mom dress me. High School in dirty jersey was tough. College in Philly were the days I was foolish to the point of possibly meeting my Maker. There were more tough days: Dad in the hospital room connected to a lot of tubes ain't pleasant to see. Finally one day I did realize the life I was living was not so pleasant in His eyes. Studying design made me see products and people differently. After graduating college, life seemed to get harder-where to go next? Crashing my car because I fell asleep answered that question. Being a momma's boy, moved back to Jersey, where I accomplished one of my all time dreams-coaching soccer, eh it's not professional, but it's been something I've always wanted to do. I worked at a printing company trying to figure out the next steps in the journey. Move #?, I lost track already. The North Shore of Boston, where people bleed Red Sox, Celtics, and Patriots was the next stop after turning 22. Seminary is where I saw another layer get plastered on. Bible, discussions about theological beliefs, and the formation in being one of the best fooseball players was home for 3 years. Made friends that are all over the world serving the King. 3,000 miles across the country and then another 3,000 miles back in 3 months, to only come to the smallest state of the US. In this Ocean State is where I learned how to Pastor. Maybe I can remember this layer in RI the most because it was recent. The experiences and memories are forever etched. And as the Tron music builds, RI was great.

And now another 3,000 mile trek is upon us. I had to Wikipedia some info on Fresno. Armenians made a subject heading under it. Maybe William Saroyan had something to do with it. Some call it "God's country," and having visited it recently, I look forward to seeing and experiencing more of this agricultural city. So the blog is coming to the destination of the end. In a journey, there should be some goals set: particular locations to see, experiences to have, but in the end it's not a vacation, there's a formation, a layer that gets placed on. Can't wait to see what farming is like, how pleasant 115 degree weather is, and most importantly what God will do on this part of our journey.

"Jesus' Tree."

Humbling, humiliated in front of another man, and fear, the three things that came into mind as I adventured with a friend to the so called 2nd waterfall in Eaton's Canyon.

As I got into Cali, I asked a friend to take me climbing on this trail that he's done so many times. I thought being the MAN I am, that this was to be nothing, but as the climb got steeper, (with no ropes,) and basically the only thing holding me up to the terrain were my fingertips and feet planted into the crevices, I let fear creep in. I don't have a problem driving 125 mph on the highway. Roller coasters, eh I can tackle those as well. Swim with and feed exotic fish, great! But for some reason the legs began to shake uncontrollably, as I tried to get around the (coined by friend), "Jesus' tree." Ironically, all the passages that refer to God as our Rock, gosh-they didn't make any sense until I tried to get around this one corner and the only way was to hold on to this "tree." It was a tree firmly planted in the rock that was pointing out. Well my friend had no problem getting around it. Me...ha: never freaked out like this before. It became a reality of possibly falling and possibly meeting my maker. After getting around it. And making it to a point of rest. It was decided that the shaking of legs and the climb getting harder, it was wiser to live longer than to possibly see God.

It was like a veil was lifted from my eyes in pushing my limits of fear. A veil was lifted in all the passages that reveals God as our Rock. If it wasn't for this 'holding on to dear life' moments I don't think I would have ever really grasped, how God can truly be our rock in life. And trust me if you saw me, and heard me, you would have thought life was going to be over.

But let me tell ya, I'm returning to the tree (its in the picture above) one day. Better equipped, in a better mindset, and ready to humbly try again. God had something in mind when He inspired His Word to relate to us! Meeting the "Jesus' tree," was a window to how life is. It was sad because I turned my friend's hand down several times as I tried to get around the tree. But pride and lack of trust in him took a hold of me. Doesn't that look a lot like our take on God? Seriously!

Ara Astourian, thanks for being the "man" who was with me on this momentous day in my life. Can't wait till the next time!

Super Mario Bros.

I miss lining up my toy cars, imagining they were in a traffic jam. Now, I dread the real ones. I often miss being a kid again. I never had the luxury of having Nintendo, Sega Genesis while in high school or college. I was one of those kids that had to go to someone's house and play. I always came in last place cause I didn't know how to play the video game. Ironically, we now own two video game systems. And since becoming unemployed, I'm ready to beat up Mario or Luigi, possibly burn this system, hopefully never see a real size character of them, because I know I would hurt them, for the frustrations they've caused for the last 3 days. Now I just miss the imaginative days with my toy cars. Who cares about video games? Oh, but do they entertain, waste time and life away. Dodging turtles, hitting ? boxes, and trying to beat Bowser; temporarily distracts the realities of life.

This passed Sunday was my last one at the RI church. It was definitely tough emptying my office, not as tough as seeing people cry. It's tough, actually it just hurts. While going through the papers in the office, I stumbled on the first bulletin dated, 9.10.2006, the first Sunday I was in the pulpit. Ugh, I blinked and 4.5 years passed by. I often think that I didn't get my money's worth. This isn't like the video game. In the game, if I make through one level, I can always go back and try it again to get more coins. Life has one pass through the different levels. It's amazing on what each season teaches us. It's only a lesson learned if we're willing to be taught.

I really don't know how to end today's entry. Today's been one of those contemplative days. I most likely will have more of them. Maybe I'll just go back to imagining but without Mario and Luigi...

the only thing snow reminds me of...

15-20 inches of snow the day after Christmas was enough to satisfy my desire to see the beauty of snow. The forecast for today is for some more tonight and tomorrow. It's fine. I used to get really annoyed, having to leave the comfort and warmth of the house to clean the driveway and walkway. It's pretty to watch from inside, tiring when you have to clean it. But recently (we're talking last several years) I've come to really appreciate the falling of snow. And the only reason why is because of this verse: “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;" Now, snow is a reminder of what Christ does for me on the cross.

I can close my eyes and imagine how white everything will be tonight and tomorrow morning, and it brings a smile because I can now stand in confidence to know that God sees me as white and not dirty.