A crosswalk is a stairway to heaven.

As cliche as this sounds, my life flashed before my eyes. I had one of those experiences where I literally almost died, and I'm not exaggerating, cause usually at this point some may find this experience common and click to another page. As I took my afternoon walk to get coffee, I started crossing the street, where it was my right of way. It wasn't one of those jay walking moments either. It was green light for the way I was walking, so I could technically feel safe as I cross the street. Well, one car was at the light making a left, so it was waiting until traffic was clear to make it. That car wasn't the issue. It was the car behind it. Odd thing was I saw this happening in slow motion. The red Camry behind pulls out with no blinker turns into the crosswalk. At this point I was half-way into the crosswalk. I yell, "Yo," where an initial leap into safety was taken, the car still coming,(and I'm not on the side walk yet) one more time, "yo" while in mid-air, loud enough to hopefully drown out the rap music in his stereo. Now this is the best part. The guy has the nerve to stop the car, look at me, throw his hand at me, yells at me, and drives off. In which I immediately start yelling, "that's my fault almost getting ran over by you." Two ladies on the side walking comment, "wow, that was really close." And continue to walk by, without asking if I'm ok. Seriously??!! Yes, I'm fine ladies.

This is what interests me about this experience, I wonder if that was happening to someone I knew would I have the instinct/reaction to get them to safety. I hope I do. I hope my love for them to live trumps my safety. I wonder if the car was any closer would I leap and save a complete stranger? And in doing so I die. Amazingly, Christ loves me that he dies for me even though he knows, at times I'm going to be cowardly, a liar, and a wretched sinner. I was shaking from the whole thing. I can't even remotely understand the anguish that Christ had as he was about to face the cross. It makes my crosswalk story look like a chump compared to the cross.

I hate what if days...

What if I wasn't a minister? What if I never responded to the call? What if I never went to seminary? What if I pursued to see where design would lead me? There are some days more often than I want, I question that. And yes I shouldn't. But then I'm human, some would say I'm entitled to question it. Some would say you make your own destiny (Prince of Persia). Some would say God's got it laid out for you. I like this way better, but then what if I really don't like it? Am I being selfish? Am I being disobedient to question God's will? If God provides for us the bestest thing ever of eternal life and the gift of salvation on the cross, wouldn't I want to follow what He has planned for me? The tension is we're selfish. We want to do the things we want to do and often we rationalize our way out of the things God wants us to do.

Where do we go from this dilemma? Try something different? Take some time off? Sulk and whine about it? Become a bum? Avoid doing work, wait I think I'm at that point. A step closer to being a bum. Isn't there something wrong when the one thing that led me to do this is not burning as high anymore? That's why Mike Yaconnelli is right...

"The absence of passion results in a grim pallor over our lives, the absence of highs and lows. When there is no passion we live our lives in the smoky fog of sameness. Life loses its distinctions and we no longer see the nuances, the tiny differences. We no longer feel our feelings. They become dull and insensitive. Life without passion is life without texture, contrast, and depth. We walk through life trancelike, going through the motions of living, emotionless, getting through each day, getting by, ending our lives lost and directionless, busy doing something that turns out to be nothing, focusing on what doesn't matter, missing what does."