11:38AM

    It’s 9:04AM Thursday. We're at hospital for a routine non-stress test on baby. I'm sitting in the car waiting for appointment to be over as Tamar texts me, “come now, baby just had a bad decel,” “getting rushed to triage,” meaning baby's heart rate dropped during a bad contraction. Tamar was then rushed from one side of the hospital with 3-4 nurses escorting her to triage. Yes, just like in the movies. In the meantime, I’m running from the parking lot into triage, wondering if Tamar’s doing fine. I finally get to triage, and Tamar’s face was indescribable. Emelia’s heart rate goes back to normal. Tamar is calmer. Doc decides to induce labor. About 2 hrs pass, as nurse is explaining the process of inducing and going through hospital protocols, the stuff one just nods and says yes, Emelia has another decel. 4-5 nurses rush in all calm. They try to get baby’s heart rate back on the monitor. The nurses all seem calm. I’m freaking out inside. I’m holding Tamar’s hand trying to calm her down. Of course being the man, one can’t show it. They wheel Tamar into the operating room for an emergency C-section. They hand me a gown, cap for my non-existent hair, mask, etc, and explain the types of anesthesia they will administer to Tamar. Tamar gets the spinal, but it traveled up towards her chest causing her to not be able to breathe properly. So anesthesiologist gives general anesthesia to put Tamar under completely. While this happens, I hear on the PA system several times, “rapid response team needed in OR1,” “rapid OB team needed in OR1,” several times. My wife just got wheeled in there. I think she’s in OR1. Um, heart rate goes up like I was just in an p90x workout. “Can someone come and talk to me in the corner?”

    10 minutes later I hear the lullaby over the PA system of when a baby is born. I can’t tell if that’s ours. A nurse comes out to explain what happened. My heart rate calms down. I take the gown off. Now I wait to see both girls. Nurse explains that Tamar has to go to recovery and won’t be awake for a while. But I can go meet Emelia. Tamar is going to be upset that I see her first. As I wait to go up and meet Emi, nurse comes over to say, “did you get the time she was born?” “No.” “It was 11:38AM.” Tears started. It became a reality. Yes, as cheesy and cliche as that sounds. It’s real. She’s here. Emelia Nayri is named after both our sisters. Melia is Lori’s middle name and Nayri is my sister’s name. So we wanted to honor them this way. She has one morkour (Armenian for sister from mother’s side) and one horkour (Armenian for sister from father’s side).
    I go to see this girl and all I see is the hair on her head and the bright pinkish red. At 5 lbs 7 oz, this petite girl held on to my finger like it was a matter of life and death. As she got pricked for the first time to check her blood sugar, she started wailing. All I could do is console her, saying it’s going to be alright. Like she will remember any of this?! Like she will remember I said that. I’m remembering the wailing though. I saw the back of her throat. The veins in her throat popping because of her yelling.
    All I could think of was the God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit relationship. I finally understood a glimmer of the pain the Father felt as His Son dealt with the excruciating pain of the cross for us. It wasn’t a little prick for a blood sugar test. It was whip after whip after whip. It was nails. It was a crown for a King. It was suffocating. It was unimaginable pain. All I could do is hold Emi’s little hands and say it’s going to be ok. I can’t even imagine what God the Father did as He saw His dear Son get crucified. Jesus’ pain was not to see if his blood sugar was high. Jesus’ pain and torture was so that we as man and woman are free of eternal pain and separation from God. Jesus’ pain and torture was so that one day I can stand in the Father’s presence instead of enduring the pain and torture. Hopefully one day, Emi will understand this as well. What a lesson to learn as Palm Sunday and Easter are in a couple weeks.
    How can this whole process of womb to real world be attested to randomness? How can one not see an amazing Creator? Everything in the anatomy designed too perfectly to be random, sorry it just can’t be. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit designed it perfectly. Thank you for Emi’s big eyes, hair, warmth, and cuteness. She has come into the world with such a story. I’m sure Tamar will have a better way of telling the stories. I’ll stick to the 18MM lens.

The Next Generation Armenian

   (Disclaimer: I'm not one to be self-promoting. I actually can't stand it. But since I see an overwhelming number of pictures on Facebook regarding 1915, I'm sharing the sermon that I will deliver tonight in Armenian.  Plus, my blog hasn't been updated in an almost a year, so I guess it's time to say something.)

I love being Armenian. I love the foods. Only, if I could I would eat dolma, kebab, hommous, every day. I love the energy level that Armenians talk at: we don’t know how to speak with a low voice. It’s like we’re fighting every moment. I love the culture for its music and powerful poetry. I love how we have silly sayings like “medznas eh, guh mornas.” I love that we have known heroes like Vartan Mamigonian, Krikor the Illuminator, and Mesrop Mashdots.  We have key historical dates memorized like 301, 451, 1896, 1915, 1918, etc. I remember when I went to college and seminary, people would ask me what kind of last name I had, or the fact that they had never met an Armenian. This of course then led to a historical lesson of who Armenians are and how they ended up in the Middle Eastern countries. I love being Armenian, but to be honest-I love being a Christian even more.
    In this opening section to the Ephesians, the Apostle Paul highlights the many blessings one has in Christ. Time does not permit to really expound on these 7 verses, so I want to just bring our attention and remind us of three blessings that Christ bestows.
    The first blessing is that Christians are ‘adopted’ as sons and daughters into the family of Christ. Just like my last name Mekredijian, reflects that I belong to the family of baptists, as Christians-we’re part of the family of Christ. God functions as our Father. We can come to Him when we’ve fallen of “life’s playground set.” He’s the one who disciplines us in our disobedience, of course to help edify and shape us to be like His son. When was the last time we crawled up into His lap? I love being Armenian, but adoption in Christ’s family is far better.
    The second blessing is we’ve been redeemed through the shedding of Christ’s blood. Since God is holy and we’re not, when we die we can’t stand in His presence. Sin is an obstacle and payment is required for that disobedience. Instead of condemning us to hell, which is separation from God, which we deserve, God loves us too much that He sends His son as payment for our sins on our behalf. Instead of us enduring the torture, He redeems us with His son’s blood as payment. That’s how rich God’s love is for us. When was the last time we thanked God for sending Jesus? I love being Armenian, but redemption for my sin is far better.
    The third blessing which is connected to redemption, is we’re forgiven. Not only does God redeem us from eternal separation, but He also says “We’re forgiven from these sins, ” Because of Christ’s work on the cross, God promises to never remember the sin we committed against Him. When was the last time we forgave someone because we know the worth of forgiveness shed by Christ? I love being Armenian, but being forgiven is far better.
    In v. 8, the Apostle Paul uses a word, to describe these blessings, God “lavished” it on us. It’s like if God was filling our cup for water, but didn’t stop when the cup was full. God’s love is lavished on us through the cross. He has given us an opportunity to be adopted, redeemed, and forgiven. God also says all those who come in repentance and believe in what Jesus has done, will enjoy the ultimate blessing of living with Him forever. We, Armenians are passionate people, especially when it comes to our heritage, then where’s our passion for what Jesus has done for us? Is it not a passion that cost 1.5 million Armenian lives? I love being Armenian, but what Christ does and gives to us is far better.
    Here’s my challenge: in light of what has happened in 1915, I would love to see a generation to not only be proud of who they are as Armenians-but to be proud because of what Jesus has done for them. Do we understand this love shed on the cross? Do we know it in our hearts? Do we believe in it? Do others see it? If we’ve answered no, then it’s time to really invest in understanding God’s word and see what is expected of Christians.
    I would love to see a generation raised up to not only be proud of who they are as Armenians, but to be proud because they’ve been adopted by Christ. I would love to see a generation to be proud of their Armenian heritage, but to be even more proud because they’ve been redeemed by Christ. I would love to see Armenians of Fresno be proud and only boast in the forgiveness that was exhibited by Christ. Imagine the revival that would spark in all our Armenian churches. I love being Armenian, but what Christ does and gives to us is far better.

Hate

I was at someone's house last night and the child there was warned to not do what she was doing, because then she would hurt her head. To what she shared, it would be ok to die, because then she would be with Jesus. I would do anything to have that lack of fear in life. No wonder Jesus asks us to come like the faith of a child. And throughout the years, as we get older it will get worse and worse.

Today was a weird day. Maybe that's why it explains staring at this screen now, with Hillsong playing in the ear. I went to speak at a high school and on the way 90s rock, Nirvana, Offspring, Live, etc was blasting. While driving, I yelled the lyrics out (yes I was one of those people singing), I was excited to go and share God's word to a group of high schoolers (irony: going to speak at a high school and hearing songs that I grew up with in high school). The real irony was and I told them, that you probably won't remember me speaking here-but I would hope that you would take the commitment God calls us to seriously. It will often look like we 'hate our parents,' or even to the degree 'hate' the things we truly love to do, play sports or excel in school (it was a Fellowship of Christian Athletes group).

Getting old sucks. Going to the physical therapist and him telling me I should stay away from p90x and Insanity because of what it's doing to my back-sucked. Not doing these work-outs or not playing soccer or bball, has killed my discipline, my commitment level. In addition, are Facebook, Fantasy Basketball, Instagram, Words with Friends, Scramble, TV-really taking up my time/commitments? I have the 'hate' thing backwards. I'm supposed to be 'hating' these things, and committing to the extraordinary God-instead He looks ordinary through my life-He's getting put aside because my apps/games are more important.

Only if I lived like the little girl.

Only if I wasn't so concerned with stats of my bball players.

Only if I lived with the faith, joy, expectancy, and eagerness that any minute now I can see Jesus, and that's totally awesome. 

Maybe that's what I should have shared to the high schoolers.

a glimpse into a Pastor's head on Monday.

In my opinion, blogging equals venting. Sure, it can also be a place where people get a glimpse into one's creative outlet. It's also a glimpse to people who really want to read what's going on...welcome to my mind and experiences from yesterday.

I've changed my days off to Mondays. Wednesdays were not working. It would be the middle of the week and I would have 10 million things to do still-never really tuned out and get to do the things I wanted to do, like walk/drive aimlessly and take pictures. I couldn't tune out by entering the world of Zelda or Mario, or maybe to put my soccer skills to test against the computer. Ironic, a Pastor wanting to tune out.

In seminary, the professor was very strict on the days off, but also encouraged us to not take Mondays off. Here's why and the main reason to my post today (I wanted to give you a glimpse in a span of 15 minutes the things that I was reminded of):

On Mondays, especially if you just preached the previous day you're mind is going through all kinds of scenarios that happened from 11AM-12:15pm. While preaching..."Why was that person frowning when I was making this point?" "Why do they always sleep? Am I boring?" "Why do they come if they consistently sleep?" "Maybe that was too harsh, but that's God's truth." "I could have used a different illustration.""I'm moving around too much." "They're looking right at me, but their mind is on something else." "She comes, how come her husband's not there." After the sermon the comments pitched while we shake hands and say Good Morning, "Please try to keep it short." I thought 25 mins was short. "Next time you have to work on your power point." Um...that's the first time I've seen you in church. I've had power points every time. "You're yelling too much, you're going to have a heart attack." Some of the positive yet ironic ones: "Good sermon." (Funny, I thought you were sleeping.) "Great sermon, the part I really liked was..." long awkward pause the part about... (Funny, didn't mention anything about that.)

But the real positive ones: "It's a good thing you didn't do a power point, it would have distracted us. Your sermon was very linear. You built up to this one big point (homiletics: that's called big idea!). I liked that." "You're right-what's He worth to us? What are we willing to do to show that?!" I'll stop here-pride is lurking at the door.

The day after a Sunday if it's not filled with things to do-to keep the mind distracted, then it will enter this black hole of: I should have said this, made a point to say hello to this person, did the sermon challenge them, is it registering on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, why wasn't so and so there, I hope that person comes again, are they looking at the Bible or Facebook, surfing the web, what are people truly thinking about when I said that in my sermon...

Some may find this post uncomfortable. Not my intention. Just a glimpse--there's more, this was the G-rated version. Some think that pastors just work an hour. Yes, it took me an hour to put together a sermon that has all kinds of background to the text, put illustrations at key places, thought of key questions to challenge you, created an outlined that flowed (made sense), typed 4 pages single spaced in an hr (sorry sarcasm). It's been said that the 1 hr of church equals an 8 hr work day for a pastor. So here's to tuning out. I wish I was out amongst those trees with a nice wide-angle lens on my camera. Not enough time to get up there. So here's to a book, TV, organizing home office, Trader Joe's and Costco, and most likely what April 15th's sermon will be like. Cause let's be honest-I can't really tune out.

A mash up of Skywalk.

So Facebook wouldn't let me upload this. I want to see if it works here. This took me literally forever to make, roughly 4-5 hrs, with editing pics, putting music in and figuring out the program. A fun night.

Some Bluntness Before 2012.

Stanford University

It seems to me that saying what's on our minds has become the norm. (So here's a little taste of my mind...) Showing parts of our body is not shameful. "Statuses" express things that we wouldn't normally say. Pictures posted show a side that is unexpected. Behind the lens, in the virtual reality of FB, instagram, blogs, twitter, or whatever else fills up our time, we may be different people. Then again maybe these things 'filter' us and they post us as people we desire to be, but don't have the 'cohones' to really be. I know I need to filter-but today the blog is not for that.

I'm truly tired of it. This post is a venting rant. You have been forewarned. (not in any particular order)

 1. I'm tired of doing the same thing over and over again.

2. I want to live without worrying about money.

3. I want people (especially women) to really consider what pictures they post. Men are horny.

4. I want to be spontaneous, but often am limited to, maybe $ has to do with it.

5. I really want to be in a house, so I can have people over all the time.

6. I don't want to worry if people like me, or they 'have to' because I'm their pastor.

7. I want to have everyone over for New Year's that I love and care about (the 1075 friends on FB...hehe)

8. I truly want to see a godly revival happen. I look out every Sunday into a congregation for the past 5 years and hope that Christ is moving in their hearts...then get disappointed, because I rarely see people "REACTING TO GOD'S AMAZINGNESS!" Maybe I'm the hindrance.

9. I feel like we do what we do because that's the way it is, I'm tired of that answer and that way.

10. I want to truly be creative on my day off. It boils to a frustration rant like this.

11. I'm tired of blending in with the crowd...time to leave an imprint on the world.

12. I will be sad if my purpose in God's plan is just to be a mediocre pastor. (Then again, what constitutes a great pastor?)

(As the venting is happening, I'm noticing that some of these have to do with money...I'm about to puke.)

13. I want a darkroom or a place for a design studio. Then again, my life for the past 8 yrs hasn't reflected any design...so I'm all talk?

14. I want to win a photo contest (pride talking). Once someone told me that my scenery pics weren't that great, that I should stick to taking pics of people. It's funny how the negative criticism is always remembered.

15. I want to travel (again selfishness...but hey it's ok in a world that selfishness is celebrated.)

16. I'm on 5 Armenian Evangelical Boards, seriously, what's wrong with me? Nothing ever gets done, why do I put myself through these tortures?

17. I'm scared of what kind of person I would be if I was filthy rich. A bit ironic considering what I've written.

18. I've always been curious what if I took the "red pill" and never went to seminary?

19. I wonder what will be shared at my funeral.

20. I don't want to be critical about anything.

21. I've noticed people really don't care anymore about anything. Funny thing is then why would they care about this blog.

If you read this, I truly mean it: I hope 2012 is great for you. Then again you will hear, read, see it over and over again for the next week, so what makes my hope for you so special?

FEAST Your Eyes on This!

 

The Parable of the Wedding Feast (Matthew 22)

And again Jesus spoke to them in parables, saying,"The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a wedding feast for his son, and sent his servants to call those who were invited to the wedding feast, but they would not come. Again he sent other servants, saying, 'Tell those who are invited, See, I have prepared my dinner, my oxen and my fat calves have been slaughtered, and everything is ready. Come to the wedding feast.' But they paid no attention and went off, one to his farm, another to his business, while the rest seized his servants, treated them shamefully, and killed them. The king was angry, and he sent his troops and destroyed those murderers and burned their city. Then he said to his servants, 'The wedding feast is ready, but those invited were not worthy. Go therefore to the main roads and invite to the wedding feast as many as you find.' And those servants went out into the roads and gathered all whom they found, both bad and good. So the wedding hall was filled with guests.

"But when the king came in to look at the guests, he saw there a man who had no wedding garment. And he said to him, 'Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding garment?' And he was speechless. Then the king said to the attendants, 'Bind him hand and foot and cast him into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' For many are called, but few are chosen."

Wow. I'm not wowing at the beginning. That's understandable. I'm shocked at the end about the man who came in without a wedding garment. My first thought is, what if that's all he had? Where's God's mercy in that? Maybe he was one of the bad people. But you have to reread the parable and look at the end of the 1st paragraph..."both bad and good," came. It's taking me a while to process this. Even after this post I will continue to process it. This parable caught my attention and absolutely scares me to death. 

God's throwing a wedding feast. A FEAST. Maybe similar to today's "feasts" (OK that could be a big stretch.) The best of the best is prepared for us by GOD--yet we often respond by not coming. Our 'businesses' are too important to leave them and go to this FEAST. He sent other servants to remind them to come...nah, my farm or business is more important! Apparently we need days like 'Thanksgiving' to remind us of what God has done on the cross (can you pick up on my sarcasm?). How many of us will forget what God did tomorrow AM or even as we make room for the pumpkin pie coming down to an already stuffed stomach? At what point do you keep asking someone to come to something if they clearly don't want to come? I'm shocked because there's a time where mercy will not be offered anymore. Do people know that God's FEAST will be no more at sometime or are they truly ignorant? (that's not bad...it just needs more of those who are aware, to say something.)

I'm also sad for the man who came in without any wedding garments. Maybe the man has the means to put on wedding garments, but doesn't. I don't know. My comments here are premature and without any study or prayer through it. But I'm sad for the guy. I'm also sad to the many who know what kind of FEAST God will provide, yet come half-heart-ed. Or don't want to come, period. I'm sad for people like me who have an idea to have complete strangers in his home for Thanksgiving, yet doesn't. Yup, I'm a coward. I'm sad for the people who will be in the outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 

"Erasing Hell," by Francis Chan might help, a little. "God has the right to do WHATEVER He pleases (Psalm 115:3). If I've learned one thing from studying hell, it's the last line. And whether or not you end up agreeing with everything I say about hell, you must agree with Psalm 115:3. Because at the end of the day, our feelings and wants and heartaches and desires are not ultimate--only God is ultimate. God tells us plainly that His ways and thoughts are infinitely higher than ours (Isaiah 55:9). Expect then, that Scripture will say things that don't agree with your natural way of thinking."

Today I'll toast to God's mercy.

 

Numbers that discipline.

Don't I look good in this picture? That was 6 yrs ago. I don't remember how much I weighed, but right now I'm 192 lbs. Today I did 162 pushups and 349 situps. Aren't you happy for me? Yeah I know, the pride's coming off too strong. But this is what working out does. It develops, "I look good syndrome." It's the part I truly hate about working out.

Day 1 has started again. Tony Horton how I have missed and hate you at the same time. So this will be the 4th time I will have started p90x. The first two got interrupted with moving, vacations, and too many distractions. The 3rd time, I got to day 76 (inconsistently, but still got there), but hurt the shoulder and stopped. So today marked day 1. This time I might concentrate more on Cardio (getting really insane by doing a mix of p90 and Insanity) and actually eating right. These workouts are annoying and great at the same time. Annoying because of the obvious strain it puts on the body, great because the discipline pays off. I dropped from 208 to 192 and looking to hit 180. (I may have already lost your interest in this post, then again aren't these things for personal satisfactions? Keep reading it's not all about muscles:-)) Don't know if it's possible of hitting 180, but at this point it's such a great motivation to be able to put some old pants on because they fit. Or the fact that I have to buy a new belt.

Going back to this idea of discipline, it reminded me of something. Obviously no one likes it. We fear it. It hurts. At the end of the day we might be slightly open to it, because we know that it will transform us. Discipline is needed, but it's usually from someone else. Horton keeps me in check virtually ("make sure you don't run off and get a crispy kreme doughnut.") Discipline is tied to accountability. I can rationalize my actions and do a lot because he's not around to keep me in check.

It's ironic but it's the same with God. Yeah, it's ok, I can slip this one time, get tempted, commit the sin, "oh the satisfaction." Who's keeping me in check? I hadn't had soda for 70 plus days, the minute I stopped working out, I've gone on a soda drinking binge. NOT GOOD. Who kept me in check? (we think we can hide from God...haha.) Well, at the end of the day what am I saying? As Tony would say, "keep pressing play." Nah. Everybody who read this should be working out. You already know that. If you take your faith in Christ seriously, then you would be willing to invite serious discipline and accountability on living for God. Yup. Humility and a willing heart to be transformed by God. These are reps that last beyond infinity.

To care or not care?

How does a Pastor have a day off? In my mind I wrestle with the idea if a Pastor has a day off then does that mean he stops caring, sharing God's word, loving, or being a shepherd to his people? So does that mean I completely remove myself from the loneliness, pain, suffering of the people and tend to my personal desires? Oh to be fishing now, rather than sitting in my apartment. What's to say I couldn't have planned it, completely detach and tend to my selfish desires, my own happiness. I can't understand it, therefore I write in frustration of how does a Pastor get a day off? I get it, we should, there's a lot of stuff we deal with that people may not grasp, but in my mind/heart I feel like I'm neglecting.

There's always work to be done in any position/occupation. We can always work and be productive. So I guess on the day off, I should be productive in things for the apartment, personal production? Would it then be mean if someone calls and not pick up the phone because it's my day off, "your trouble, not my problem today. Call me tomorrow, then you can have my ear and heart." Of course it's not like that, but where does one draw the line? Also how does a Pastor completely shut off the things on his mind that need to be done the next day or like the following study? I wonder what the Early Church Apostles did?

I think the day off then has to be a complete removal from society, go to a place where no one can find you, get involved in something that has no connection to God-really?

Separate my Pastor role from my personal life, hobbies, fun things to do side is nearly impossible, if not impossible. My role as a Pastor involves people. I thrive on the energy with people. I love to fish, but with people. I love to take pictures but enjoy it more while taking pictures of people (getting a shot of them that makes one say wow or see a side of them rarely captured.) Oddly, yes I enjoy being with people.

Maybe at the end of all this, it's to be refreshed and re-energized, ready to attend to the daily rote of being a Pastor. Figuring this out will take some time, maybe this question of what days to care or not is on the forefront of my mind because of the opening section in 2 Corinthians. Where does one draw the line to care for someone, to comfort them? Is there a boundary? For now I can't see a parameter, then again it's my day off, I shouldn't care about this. Sin talking there. Here's an attempt to attend to personal things: time for a car wash. Blah.

Devil's Bathtub

Camping? I've gone several times. I can boast that I've camped on the island of Arran, off the coast of Glasgow, Scotland. But that place had some running water. Camping without running water? The idea intrigued me. More than the idea, the challenge was what interested me. To go without technology, without running water, to be "roughing it," to not be interrupted by TV, Facebook, Blog, to not be interrupted by the phone which reminds you of Facebook, apps, games to play, music, and to disappear above 7,000 ft amongst these skyscrapers of trees, these bright lights shining down at night which they call stars, and to be engulfed by the smell of pine and fresh air that pierces your lungs like you've never inhaled this quality before--yeah I'm in. All was left was to actually go out, hunt and eat our kill for the night. Yup well in a way we did that, I guess you can say we provided the fish, however I left too early to taste the little lake dwellers.

Camping? The idea to me is foreign, having grown up near or in a metropolitan city my whole entire life. Ask me to give you a 2 hr night time tour of NYC and you will be in awe of how much you can see in those quick 120 mins topped off with a sandwich from Mamoun's, only the best schawerma sandwich place in the states. Leaving the city life and being dropped in the middle of this massive forest, I've come to see a side of myself that I thought never really existed.

I wish I could take pictures of every inch of this serene place. I think the best was to prepare to go from 7500 ft to 9300 ft--our hike to Devil's Bathtub. It was 4.5 miles one way with the weight of about 12 lbs in my pack, the kamikaze style mosquitoes, and through a trail of giant trees. But as soon as we got over the incline that made your lungs feel like they were stretching to get air in, it was like this "bathtub" was ready to receive guests for the very first time. The picture above does not grasp this amazing place at that elevation. A bit of an ironic name for this place.

I think camping was topped off with the adrenaline rush of jumping 20 ft from a cliff into the unknown waters of Ward Lake. So overall, this nomad enjoyed lying under stars, talking with others about God, eating beans out of a can, tri-tip steak sandwiches, camping, climbing, fishing, hiking, jumping off a cliff, and above all being separated from the distractions of media. Jumping off the cliff initiated and sealed a desire to remain amongst those giants, lights, and climbing at elevations that stretched the lungs to breath.

Sea level to 7,000 ft.

Everywhere I turn it's nature.

I have never been in a city where I'm constantly surrounded by the country. I've come to appreciate and starting to fall in love with this country. I grew up near cities, so being in nature is a new experience for me. On the East Coast, I would go to camp for a week or so, drive through the scenic views of the Catskills in New York, but not like this where I'm engulfed by cows, orchards, mountains, parks, sequoia trees the size of mountains themselves, fishing for trout, camping, and even camping stores.
This past week I went to Frazier Park for camp on the West Coast. I was in AWE of the stars. I know they exist, but they overwhelmed me. They lit the sky, especially with the Milky Way and the shooting stars. I felt like "I can reach for the stars," as cliche as that sounds. I fell in more love with my Creator who was and is able to create such a work of art. Then I saw several satellites and saw the clash between our creation trying to look like God's creation. One can never compare skyscrapers to mountains.

I had the chance to go fishing a couple of weeks ago. I really enjoy fishing. I couldn't stop looking around. I had never seen trees like this. I just wanted to take pictures. Fishing needed to wait, because I wanted my eyes to soak in every detail. It's impossible. I left shortchanged. But knowing that this is what is in my backyard, I feel like I'm moving from appreciating skyscrapers to God's "skyscrapers."

Maybe this is why I keep feeling like I'm on vacation. In the past, on vacation I would leave the city and experience creation. Rhode Island has some beautiful beaches and the ocean roars. I took it for granted and didn't really experience it. Not going to let that happen here. Although there are no oceans, but the lakes are plentiful, and the mountains offer a view from 7,000 ft. The question remains, fishing pole or camera? Tough call.

reality check.

Tamar and I have been living out of boxes and in transition for the passed several months. This truck came to RI in the middle of May. And it delivered our stuff here in Fresno, some broken stuff. Hopefully, they will be 'nice' during the claims process, which I highly doubt. It didn't really sink that we moved across the country, until I started my first official day. And it still might not feel 100% at the apartment, because we see brown boxes everywhere.

It's a bit odd because we've always travelled to California and back, but now there's no going back to wherever back was-RI, NJ, MA. Part of me feels like it's a vacation, however with starting work yesterday, I think it's really feeling real. Yesterday at the men's bible study, someone suggested in going through the book of Jeremiah. I questioned, why? Seriously? We could possibly be in this book for like 5 years if we do Jeremiah. I had a 'reality check' because soon enough I will be responsible to make decisions regarding the next study, etc. Wow.

I started reading from Jeremiah (just to get an idea if this is something to consider) and just in the first 3 chapters, Israel and Judah oddly enough need a reality check. "They followed worthless idols and became worthless themselves." Wow. Ouch. They'd better check themselves before they wreck themselves, which ends up happening.

(while writing this...) Someone called from RI to give me some news about someone passing away. A sudden heart attack, and the person said, "God wanted him." When it comes to facing life, who's in control of it, especially what comes after-definitely a reality check.

DMV

I'm sure as you saw the title of this post you can suspect that this post is an unpleasant one. I had expectations that going to the DMV was going to be an easy thing. Why wouldn't the government create a system that would be easy for all of us? Ha. Everything was going easy, filling papers out (4 different forms) driver's licenses, 2 cars to register. Ok, this is going to be easy. The first bump of frustration, "um, sir is this birth certificate yours?" "Yes." "Is this a copy or an original?" (I should have said original.) I think she got scared, she saw Arabic, French, English writings all over it, with other Arabic writings. Maybe the security should put me through a metal detector. "Sir, I need an original." (Thought in head: yeah well let me call the Saudi Monarch and have him issue me an original one, thanks.) "Sir, do you have a passport?" "Yes. Bring that in?" "Yes, sir." (Thought in head: why did you tell me to bring my birth certificate in?) Tamar gets her driver's license because she was born in the great state of CA. So then we waited, while Tamar gets her driver's license, me not allowed with my passport. Interestingly, our marriage certificate is there as evidence-our Social Security number is on the application. But nope I need my passport. Ok, fine.

This was the kicker. I'm registering the cars, the cars were officially delivered on June 2. Today is June 30. I'm passed the 20 days rule in registering the cars in CA, now I have to pay penalties. So I asked the lady (another lady processing applications), "I could have lied and told you the cars came June 15 and it would have been fine, without the penalties?" "Yes, sir." "So, let me get this straight if I had written on this application June 15, than 2nd, it wouldn't have cost me $400 for my car and $229 for my wife's car?" "Yes, sir." (thought in head: wow, that's a great system we have). The picture above is what I wanted to do. Cars have to be checked for smog and I have to return to show the smog certificate--let's hope these cars have no issues.

They gave me the California Driver Handbook before this whole process began. A little too late now. The picture above is what I wanted to do. I think this time when I return to go through another painful process of getting my license done, I will show up with my Saudi scarf on. The picture above is what I wanted to do. Ok, now I feel better.

Lord, this ain't easy living truthful in a world where people get away with all kinds of lies. Now I can concentrate on getting some real Kingdom work done. Thanks for reading. The picture above is what I wanted to do, but I didn't. Or else you have heard about it in the news, some bald Armenian Pastor gunning down DMV people because of penalties.

271,560 hrs.

I figured this picture would capture your attention.

Now on to more serious matters. I can't help, but I feel bad for Job, and his dialogue with his friends make me wonder. This question cut deep: "How many wrongs and sins have I committed? Show me my offense and my sin." In the context he wants to know why God has brought all these troubles on him. So his plea was to know what his wrongs were to understand why. But the question got me thinking. What if I asked to see my offenses, my sins? Oh gosh, I don't think I would be able to withstand just one day. And here I go through every day like it's nothing. The thoughts are "oh yeah, I was good today!" I bet God chuckled at that. I can just imagine in my 271,560 hrs of life, the list of sins I've committed. Wow. Stomach is churning and turning with disgust just trying to write this post. I couldn't even get passed reading and understanding the rest of chapter, those questions just gutted me.

Yes, I know what grace and the cross have done for me. I shouldn't have any guilt from what has happened, because my gracious, gracious, gracious, gracious, gracious Lord covered it. Yup, I should be fine if what happened to Job happens to me. 271,000 hrs is a long time. Granted some of that is sleeping, some of those hours I had no idea what I was doing. It amazes me how God's word cuts deep. It amazes how I go through my day never thinking twice about my sins. "Pshhhh, my Lord forgave me already."

You wouldn't think that that cute kid above could be possible of being dishonoring, disrespectful, and deceitful. Lord, the word thanks does not suffice.

I want to be like Job.

Job in the Bible is complicated. I would venture to say it's as complicated as Revelation. It's a frustrating book to read through. Obviously your heart goes out to Job. God is portrayed as the "god who just stands on the sideline" and lets evil go to work. Just reading the first two chapters I'm sitting on Job's sidelines and cheering for him: "You can do this!" Ironic, because the first minute trouble comes my way, where's the easiest way out? I only read through chapter 5 and it sucks. I've read it in the past, however it's amazing when you read God's word, and then read it several months or maybe year later how much more is revealed. We feel bad for Job. While reading I'm not happy at God. Then again the author of life, creator of this universe has every right to do what He wants, what's my happiness at Him have anything to do with it? Who am I to question God for his motives? Maybe Job's rubbing off.

Eliphaz says something interesting in chapter 4 about the wicked. My concern is not about the wicked, but what God can do: "at the breath of God they [wicked] are destroyed; at the blast of His anger they perish. The lions may roar and growl, yet the teeth of the great lions are broken. " Related to yesterday's post, it's amazing to read what God can actually do with a single breath. Wow. His holiness is not just this amazing, loving, gracious God, but the God with a single breath can declare me dust. We rarely talk about God in this manner. Too frightening, too fundamental, not what society wants from Him. "We want love and peace, man!" It seems to me, we're heading into a direction where our views/demands of God is the way we want God to be like. Period. If I don't get my desired goal/thing/prayer request, God is then something of a jeenie in a lamp, that we tell him to go away. Then pick Him up, rub the side of piety to get Him to appear again. I may groan and tremble like Job while reading these next 42 chapters, but imagine what I may come to know.

Photo: Job's face, woodcut by Sevak Karabachian.

To be holy or not to be? That is the question.

Dictionary defines holiness as the state of being holy. Usually given to one that is a Pope or a Patriarch. Interesting. This is the word that's on my mind for the passed three weeks. I need the ability to see the amount of work something will entail before I volunteer to do it. Too late for that now. The Holiness of God: playing with fire is Camp Arev's theme this year. It may seem very simple to talk about. Holiness of God is what makes God God. Interesting, because you know if I was asked to describe God, holy wouldn't have been my first word. Or let alone in high school, I wasn't thinking about God's holiness, and why should I care about it? All I was thinking about was the girl across the room or making sure the girls would see my great skills in soccer or dancing.

So the task of thinking like a high schooler and building a bridge to the holiness of God is a task that can only get done with prayer. Amazingly thinking about this topic more, I can see why the camp committee has chosen such a topic. Because going back to my initial thought of who God is, I would have said gracious. But that's exactly the point with holiness, usually we think we deserve the grace provided at the cross. We don't normally think about what we've done to undeservedly receive that grace. "Yeah, it's free get some forgiveness here!" We just want to be forgiven, forgetting what God is capable of doing to us, if we never repent and ask to be forgiven. But God being a just and loving God, has to get some justice done for the sins we've done and is still loving enough to provide that salvation. If God is perfect and just, then He has to punish us for sin. The question is do we realize that we've sinned?

The picture above is from my ordination. It's funny because at that stage in life, four years this September, I thought I knew everything. Some people in the Armenian community would bow before me, or look for a ring to kiss. A holy man because of some robe, how easy it is to be considered holy.

Questions to ponder as I prepare for these talks:

What makes something holy?

Why should a high schooler care about God's holiness?

Why should I care for that matter?

Off the top of my head, I think the camp committee really wants to install a fear/reverence into the next generation of viewing God as holy. Because we rarely look at God as, "if I don't follow what He says, then I'm burned." We naturally hope and know that if I don't follow what God says, I'll just ask for forgiveness later, and we'll be all squared away. Uzzah wasn't thinking that and look what happened to him.

jump this.

Day 2 of p90x is pylometrics, otherwise jump training. Yup, an hour of jumping and doing squats. Not pleasant. Anything right now to distract me from doing that would be great. Or anything to distract me from prep work as I start at FAPC in July=)

I've occasionally thought of several things I want to do before I "kick the bucket." And I've written about them in the past. As I looked over my list, they're not tangible, because let's be honest I need a lot of money to do some of those things. Tamar and I have been thinking about buying a house, which causes that bucket list to get smaller and smaller. The money spent on going to a World Cup, could be used to buy a new fridge, washer, dryer, and a new TV. A week spent in Tahiti is one fourth of a down payment for a house. What are some things that I want to do, which do NOT require a lot of money? Some goals that are more feasible to achieve. Here's an updated list (not in any order):

learn to restore a classic car (doesn't have to be mine)

learn to play the guitar

fish on a regular basis

go hunting

do some regular hiking (being a city person for so many years, this one will be interesting)

sketch/create some furniture

write a book (after Tamar writes hers:-)

drive up the PCH from Los Angeles to Seattle (for the sole purpose of taking pics)

selling some of my photos for ministry purposes

being part of God's kingdom work everyday

reading 3 books a month

Let's see if the discipline of p90x will help accomplish some of these goals. I guess its time to get jumping.

210 lbs.

June 20 marks the first day of hell beginning again. This will be the 3rd time I would have started p90x. First two times, I got to the 5th and 4th week, but with moving and not being somewhere consistently, it broke up my routine. The problem with my metabolism is when I start working out I will consume double the amount of food. But I'm glad there are a couple of guys starting today as well. Costco trip scheduled for later to help with the lifestyle change in food intake. Hardest will be to cut the sweet stuff out. Chocolate, how I love thee!

I need to do this. I hate sitting and the stomach rolls over the belt. Let's not even talk about the double chin. One of the reasons why I love looking through the lens, rather than being photographed. (yeah, very self-conscious) I think this will help with discipline, which will affect all aspects of my life: discipline in reading God's word and praying, discipline in blogging, discipline in reading books, discipline in time management, discipline in eating right, etc.

So here's one small step from 210 and aiming for 185. I can't stand Tony, the guy who's like 46 in the DVDs and has arms, legs, and abs like he's been doing it for 46 yrs. (Thanks Gyorgi and Raz! Let's do this!)

Bring it!

Endurance.

I often get nostalgic. Parents coming in July is not going to help. Not that I don't want them to visit. It will be tough. We're trying to adjust here, and as my parents come, all our memories of being in Jersey, etc will be at the forefront of my mind. If I don't cry, laugh, it may seem like I'm being insensitive. But I'm trying to adjust here. Pictures on the computer don't help. Every time the background of the desktop changes, or I scroll through some pictures; the worse is when I receive texts with pictures of my niece and nephew in soccer jerseys of my favorite team. The worse is hearing Mom constantly crying on the phone.

Being a man (strong and expressing no emotion), having moved several times, I thought this would be easy. Yup, time to accept the reality that I'm 3,000 miles away from the people that I've known the longest. (Adele's album of heartache and beautiful voice is not helping this nostalgia now. Seriously isn't there anything else to sing about?)

I think not being in a regularly routine is not helping. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks that will change. Till then 2 Corinthians will help (not that I'm suffering like any of the people or the Apostle Paul did during the Early Church times): "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." Yup today looking forward to the end result of patient endurance. I'll take that through these tears.

Filter

Recently, someone asked me about this picture. It reminded me of my art history class, when our professor forced us to remember everything there was about each slide during the lecture. Balzac was a French author who lived during Auguste Rodin's time. Rodin most famously known for "the Thinker." Today I feel a little like Balzac. Looking off into the distance and thinking. What we will never know. But staring at the picture long enough, I started to do the same. Maybe I should have found a picture of the Thinker. Then again, that pose almost seems too forced for the act of thinking.

It's pretty quite this morning. I've always been a journal guy. Read some Scripture and then turn some of my horrible English grammar into scribbles on paper. I'm sensing more and more what if instead of wasting trees, I wasted pixel space and turned my honest thoughts, questions, confessions onto this blog? Would it be too much? When we're around people, Tam thinks I should filter more. This medium wouldn't have any. Would it be too much for people (3 followers...lol) to read what really goes on in the head of a man? Should Pastors filter? We're human too and um, yeah I'm pretty sure we commit sins everyday. But I guess we lose some respect or see the "leader" in a different light when we hear of this sin and that sin. Really?

It seems to me, society is becoming more acceptable of the "right" to speak or share our minds. It can be without tact, it can be sugar coated, or "it's all said in love man!" This filter is pretty clogged up with gunk that needs cleaning every day. No wonder the journal is "for my eyes only." What good will a box of journals do? Unless I become some famous person and they want to know more about me, all those journals will just be beneficial to start a great fire. Maybe it's time to daily waste pixel space. Who knows someone on this vast world wide web may be challenged to look off into the distance after reading such a grammatical nightmare, and may recognize that it's time for a filter change.